There aren't enough negative words in the English language to describe this saucy goatshtup of a game. It's based on a guy who I guess was the original Navy SEAL, so when I got bored one night and rented it, I figured it wouldn't be so bad. The cover looked pretty cool, and Mickey Rourke did the voice of the protagonist, so... how could this go wrong?
In just about every way possible.
For starters, the graphics were absolutely awful. Most of it looked like a PS2 game that was illegally hacked to allow usability on a 360. Your player's face hardly ever changes, and neither do the faces of your enemies. The environments looked like they were straight out of Tomorrow Never Dies for PS1, and that's saying something.
Continuing the horror, the sound effects were pretty standard. All of the guns sounded like they came out of a cheap Jason Statham movie that no one bothered to see. Your enemies all talk in very exaggerated Asian dialects (you're in North Korea), and Mickey Rourke mumbles all of his lines and only puts feeling into them when he really feels the urge. For an example...
1. "ManthisplaceisashitholehowthefuckdidIgetinjured."
2. "Dropthatmotherfuckeryoufuckin'amateurs! AW FUCK!"
Oh, in case you couldn't tell, there are more f-bombs in this game than any Quentin Tarantino movie you've ever seen. Not that I cared; most of the time it was downright hilarious because it was so over the top. Case in point: you're walking down a hallway, with your night vision goggles on, and you gun down an evil North Korean Communist, and Mickey decides to shout "Goddamn cockbreath Commie motherfuckers!" You tell 'em, Mick.
Gameplay was an absolute wash. When you're firing at your enemies, your bullets will only hit them around half of the time, while they pump lead into you mercilessly until you die. You'll want to take cover a lot, assuming their bullets don't magically pass through the object you're hiding behind (yes, it's true). When you're not in a firefight, you can pretty much walk into an enemy's peripheral vision and kill him, because the AI is so stupid that a dying amoeba would pose more danger to you than one of these guys. It's almost as if the developers decided to go for the player demographic of 'blind horses without legs' when figuring out how difficult to make the actual game. Don't believe me? You can go up to any enemy, even if they're firing on you, and press the Action button to perform a very sweet-looking knife kill, which is just about the only redeeming quality the game has, even if you are in the middle of a massive firefight with 10 guys shooting at you and you can take them out one by one with your knife. Besides the fact that...
...it's only 2 hours long. On the easiest difficulty, too. And they throw achievements around like candy; I was able to rack up 495 Gamerscore points in total, and there's still a bunch left I could get if I wanted to, assuming anyone plays this game online (they don't), or any of my friends rent it to try it out (they won't).
This is, without a doubt, in the top three worst games I have ever played. Yeah, I tried really hard to get my money's worth out of it, but at least I didn't pay full price for this steaming pile of diseased walrus crap. Heck, I wouldn't have been able to get my money's worth if I had gotten the game for free. So... if you're looking for shameless, easy ways to boost your Gamerscore, rent this game for a day. Or steal it. And if you do, steal two copies so you and I can play online and get even more achievements, while losing our last shred of dignity in the process.
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